My first love: Prince

My best friend messaged me this morning saying “they don’t get why I’m so sad. Why it still hurts”... of course, I understand why.

The reality is...It’s uncomfortable for people around anyone who is grieving. Not because they are selfish, or inherently cold’s just too uncomfortable when you are not okay. A lot of people don’t know how to sit in that. Maybe we don’t want to, or have chosen not too. Whatever the reason is, it’s okay.

Grieving is different for everyone.

And it becomes Especially uncomfortable when we’re grieving someone we didn’t even know in “real life”.

But here’s what’s real. We, and most Prince fans, grew with this man. He was our first mad crush, first love, ... the first artist who got to the core of our musical souls.

Today marks the 3rd year since his passing, and I still can’t find the words to describe what he meant to us. Whatever I write here...cannot do justice.

I try to avoid pain. You know, out of site, out of mind kinda deal. So When I got the news...I dropped. Cried for days...and felt a pain I hadn’t experienced before. I spent time with his music for the first week. The two of us drove to Paisley Park to be with people who “got it”. But when we got back I shut that shit down. I couldn’t listen. I didn’t want to hear his name...I couldn’t let it in. My girl was grieving differently. She needed more of him. Listened to everything on and watched everything related to him and his death.

It was a strange place for us. A friendship solidified in our love for Prince, but On total opposite ends of the spectrum in dealing with his death.

But we moved through the grieving in our own way, supportive of one another’s process and continue to do so.

3 years later I can listen again. I mean, there are some songs totally off limits and I’m not sure I will ever listen to them again. I don’t know. I think I haven’t fully processed it all yet.

Either, all that is surfacing for me is gratitude. I am beyond grateful for every moment I had with him. Every concert, every road trip, every after party, every sing along, every dance... everything fucking Prince.

Today I sit in gratitude that I had a moment on stage with him. A moment I will never forget. Dancing to “U Got The Look” at the ACC in front of however many other Prince fans...I mean ... actually ... made. I was on a high for a year I swear.

I had thought up that moment every day since I first laid eyes on him. And there I was. When he walked over to me, I buckled. I was shaking. I mean, the stage the lights the screaming...I was so totally out of my element but so totally meant to be there. I tried so hard to take it all in....and I still don’t know how I kept dancing. I don’t even know if I was actually dancing or just trying to do SOMETHING with my body so I didn’t look as stunned as I felt inside. I just kept telling myself, “don’t look at him...don’t look, and definitely do NOT touch”.

Then I felt the brush! He actually brushed up against me and gave me those eyes. I died. A thousand times over. Dead. I don’t remember much after that. I guess I was still standing. Still dancing. Holding back the drool. I’m really not sure. Everyone reassured me I looked like I was having the best night of my life...maybe they were just being kind? Lol.

The bigger picture is ... it’s not just the music. We all know what music does for us...And what loving an artist does to many of us. But it was these moments. The dreams that came true...the pure joy and high we felt every time a show was coming...the connection we all felt....Those are the things that will never be the same. As is the case with any loss.

However you’re missing or grieving or remembering it’s YOUR process and no one needs to understand. Hopefully they will support you either way...but know it doesn’t matter. Baby this is YOUR journey. You do you, however you need to. There is no “right” way.

I hope we all find space for gratitude today. No matter what you're grieving...just think how lucky we are to have had those moments.

Prince fam....I’m remembering and celebrating with you today....everyday. Forever in our lives.